Dream daze

Its a mystery night,
I choke in my dream,
I know its unreal-
a scary one it may seem.

I am lost in a jumble,
a puzzle, a haze
a building so tall
No escape.

I fall, I cry
a still body-
craves to die,
I can't say good bye.

For it is my soul,
hurt and dry.
Will I be able to
fly high?

Sane I am with
nothing in hand,
empty it is-
bare on sands.

No smoke, no air
no trance, no fear
depth of water-
few burnt hair.

I like it no more,
running in the dream-
like an empty brain
craving for shore.

I shall fly on the river,
float on the walls-
for I see the world,
it is a whorl.

I am upturned,
by my own 'self'
I am no more
no one a help.

I still can stand
without spinning,
for I exist-
till the point blank.

I.C.U

I wonder many a times about the things/people/places I like..is it because I see a reflection of my own? 
 Or is it something that I am missing in myself that I admire in another person, the peace I miss within-I seek in that place or the thing I can't possess, I love it....

They do puzzle me at times. If I am fond of someone's work, is it because I feel I can never do it..or because I love to understand what people do around me, something which I don't do but can appreciate. I like someone (guy/girl) for 'n' number or reasons-every reason is significant and consequential in its own right. Is it because I am like them or I am not! Is it I vs Me or is it simply that 'I' love 'Me'?

Does that mean that this reflective love will fade away, once I find my answers or will it never fade as I shall not stop loving myself and hence may be people..! The colors I fill into a shape I created on a paper is just my thought-a blind thought or does it have to mean something all the time, I don't know. I would love to cry and cry to love something is because its my character or it is what it is..Me. Is it purely driven and governed by my own idiosyncrasies or it has 'more' to it-I am yet to discover.

If  I and Me are different, does my world fall apart, do I stop caring, loving or admiring people. Do I become loner from being alone or do I still exist the way I am meant to or want to.. Am I still seeing my reflection on someone's face and smiling, conversing and comforting thinking that its Me or is it just that this part of me is actually a missing something fulfilled by a person, a place, a color or an object?

I am in love with these questions too...they are encouraging enough to take over life in an unseen manner, as an adventurous journey. I don't know at what cost but at this moment they are beautiful and as honest as they could have ever been. They energize me when I burn out after a day's work or after a sleepless night, they poke me when I see 'myself' being a rock. They kill monotony and make me alive. I need to find the answers..until then I know 'I  C (see) U (you)'.

Retrograde phenomena.....

Its been a while that I peeped in, I do realize ...I had to be here. Couldn't stop myself finally.

So, where do we begin today. We shall speak of something different...especially after all those mind boggling talks, high-fi Science so as to say and the heavy-on-head discussions. I think I ought to switch gear. Hope so.

Every night before I go to bed , I ponder over few things. Very simple as they may sound... like 'what has made me smile today'..was that significant, was it for a while or was it long enough to make me crave for even more...
To my surprise I find that most of the times its trivial, irrelevant or insignificant things or even unrelated events that make me happy. Well that's not completely out of the box but yes smiling and being momentarily happy has become a concern in life looks like! Hence I am talking about it I guess.

The thing is, when we really run after a lot of reasons, people behind those reasons or circumstances which make us happy, we at most times by-pass these inconsequential events and ignore the bits and pieces of everyday life. My god! these pieces really make a big smile! As a child you never think of reasons which make you happy. You want it you get it or fight for it. Yes you don't question your beliefs, you satisfy your need. A need as simple as getting the latest bubble-gum in the market or collecting trump cards and showing off in front of your classmates. Oh I did that...it made me really happy those days. That's the beauty of growing up or the curse of growing old with experience may be.

If I actually know myself, I would say that a mere leaf which is just so 'green' makes me so happy that its beyond my comprehension. That leaf takes me through lot of emotions...the positivity of it growing, the vibrancy of that color, the freshness, the anger that it isn't really fit to grow there, among those weeds. Its a tremendous transformation from an indifferent human being to an emotional but not so illogical human being. I am simply amazed. I am not sure what does it take to really feel those things but it does have an impact.

On the other side, when you still want to be connected to the world; there is an equal urge to isolate yourself and go through every possible ups and downs in life. May be the leaf and I, where the simplicity and innocence of that naive living thing reminds me of my own childhood, could survive symbiotically. No man or woman would be allowed to dominate your thoughts. Only you and the beauty co-exist. We smile and fill our days with life and energy. What I feel is, its not easy to cling on to one thing and be happy about it or derive bouts of joy and smile. Its an unconscious effort that at least 'I' need to make to be as a child. Its not a day's job and the irony is ..we evolve..and this evolution is not slow. Its fast ..may be every hour, min or even second!

I have my illogical view points to laugh at, logical arguments to be proud of or artistic approach to my life ...its always mine. I would cherish every bit of it being eventful, dull or indifferent. But a day has to arrive which would call me a fool for letting go all those missing links, inconspicuous times, irrelevant people and illogical observations which could have made my life worth living. I don't know if that has arrived already or very near, I fear and at the same time I welcome it. I wait for it for my own good. For all that I am existing, for the love of being myself, I would embrace it and never let it die..there will be no night for such a day. 

It would be 'Experiencing Beauty'...uninhibited.
 

Where are you?

I breath and I say I am alive. My breathe might me slow, might be even too subtle to tell you that I am still there and living. Its all that I know right now. As this sweet phenomena  is happening within, what is happening around is worth finding out. There are days when I even forget to breathe and consider myself dead for reasons and yes..I attribute this phenotype to some surrounding. As always the question is, 'where are you' in your surrounding and is it even worth considering there is one surrounding which should affect you.

My life revolves around myself..you know a revolution and a rotation as the universe witnesses. I rotate as a chaos, as a disciplined creature and sometimes as a random individual but I revolve around my idiosyncrasies, my faith, my biases to an extent and my foolishness too. I might have written things on the walls, painted emotions on my doors or cried my heart out in a corner, I still breathe and I am conscious about it. I have hated running behind, after or from something/someone..it still is unavoidable sometimes. Its not inevitable..it might look like a need but it doesn't make or break me in the long run..now 'long' is a relative term. An achievement in terms of satisfaction can be as long as a night or a moment and a dissatisfaction for years may even make me easily indifferent.

Life is such a camouflage, a facade I must admit...creating havoc and also peace. I feel as innocent as a star gazer or as violent as a hunter..sometimes both at the same time. The deal seems to be so vague to be taken care of but it does enthuse me to look forward or rather look beyond the sky, beyond Man's reach, beyond my emotions and beyond my presence..the 'Nothing' whatever it might mean; senseless it may be to many. A tree if I may be one, my leaves have been wilting and simultaneously lustrous greens have been popping out too. My roots spread around and hold myself and also hold all those who are mere commensals. I never had a problem with that. I simply long for symbiosis sometimes, I know its like being pure selfish but it helps in growing..accepting changes. These days I don't see mutualism, rare it has been or it was my idea which was a plain vulgar one...no expectation is The thing for good health you see.

Oh well! break the illusion and I am no more a tree, no branches..no wilting and no birth. I am a curious star gazer. I derive my pleasure in simply staring at those odd things, odd humans or odd thoughts. Mistakes they may be, but I find myself there....hanging. Very comfortable and sometimes restless. At least I am answerable to myself. I define and break things apart irrespective of my surroundings. Boundaries I had never appreciated but I did learn early that 'never say never'. Early is good, truth is better, consciousness is great but finding Yourself is Life..unmatchable and lovely.

I for Me

No its not me
Its not you either
Its a conspiracy
of my mind and soul!

I live, I don't live
I see but I am blinded
I cry but I can't hear
neither can you, nor can they.

I bear all inside, the toxin
the particulate rust of memories
the unopened illusion
and the crooked nights.

Tides rise but river is still,
I never thought what I will
dreams are they,
simple but shrill..

they come near, try to kill
Why? is the question
has no answer, I will not
find or try..may it pass

I close, and you take shape
Undefined and unclaimed
Far from reach so the mind speaks
A blessing in disguise!

I will and I have
to my true self if I am one,
will live or survive
for the peace within.

 

Idealism of Null and Void

I thought I would not write anything this time, creates a dependency of expression on a blank sheet. But then whom am I fooling, its my life, my feelings, my blank sheet and my thoughts..why should I be feeling dependent! I am for myself and then can I be of any good to myself or whoever comes across.

For a decent part of my life, I was under the impression that things and people can be ideal, at least to my eyes if I am being ideal again to myself which means whatever idealism I defined for myself and much influenced by parents and society. But on this day I do not feel hesitant confessing that Idealism of null and void is the only predominant truth and there may be suffering but at least its not fake. Its the only thing which makes me as I am and differentiates me from what I was.

I, for instance have had very few things in life to regret about or feel guilty as I had been dwelling in  self-defined cocoon and its protection which to an extent I still do. It doesn't change overnight but eventually it will die, for the good I hope. A recent accusation that I see things ideally and hence become selfish in my own right and can only feed my ego and ambition, left me puzzled if it was true. I feel it is to some extent and it will be until I break the protection and let myself experience all that I can. Hurt, get hurt, stand, run, serve, care and love...its all a part of the schedule and time table of my life. The only belief which is challenged every time I want to stand straight, is an unknown and undefined feeling of companionship at times..a void in terms of dependency and a need sometimes to break the monotony of being lonely. Its not a big problem as I might see it sometimes just because I am being questioned by myself, but its a fact and I certainly have to accept it as things move. 

People say when you leave your 'I' you achieve the much awaited peace, but my intuition says that you can be peaceful with your 'I' always at its place and Self-less when you deal with the ones you care about. It comes as a free gift, I mean the peace when you realize that your I only leads to identifying the other human you are concerned about and its the same I which lets you become self less. Nothing in the world can equate with that negotiation or no negotiation when two individuals, the giver and the taker are together. No matter how hard things might look or be as well, expression will be easy..may be a simple silence. Its peace and everyone of us have our own perception in this matter. This is purely mine. 

So, today if I see someone suffering, see myself suffering or see my parents suffering because of me or not because of me..the only thought that prevails is if I can be of any good to each one of them including myself and for that what I require only is 'Clarity'. A choice as to what will make me happy. Am I ready to ruin my life for something or someone or am I actually learning things with every phase and what is the feeling associated with each one of them. I can leave behind a lot of things but as I see myself is one heck of a female who at most times puts herself in others shoes and feels things. Well for that I needn't bind myself to only few but to all unrelated humans who at some point in time will need me, my presence and I  too might get it back or might not..

A giver, who just wants to breathe easy...let people come and go and take what I have to offer.. if at all they want, or get their share of peace. I will get my share out of it. I no more feel the need of complicating my own perspective. A beginning after every end and an end after every beginning is the ideal process. I am no one to deny it. I live right now with the idealism of null and void.

Somber..for not so long

A very naive question..why?
A difficult answer, difficulty only created by mind, blame it on me for the question as well as for the answer. An assurance not well taken or understood is what I can think of. Things don't change, thoughts change and so the world around or world within. Any change is worth though, on the longer run but who knows how long!


My room might be still dark and it might be the same old somber that I have been running away from but sometimes running away just ceases. It ceases so drastically that the fun of running is gulped by the darkness of the room, the bed, the mirror. The mirror I say, is the culprit of all. It reflects what I want to see, governed by my thoughts and hence totally selfish. The mirror has broken now, shattered..pieces here and there..everywhere. The pain is in picking up all the tiny thoughts. You know why..because the room is dark and there is no source to illuminate it. 


Every now and then something pricks, it hurts but reminds me of the self created illusion, speaks to me loud and says 'stand there..its not over till you find all that you created and saw it breaking'. I respect that voice coming from within. I might respect a lot of things but I would only be in somber till I want to, it has to be my take and I will respect what pinches me from inside. It might be a spasm but its for good. You take out everything till its clear as in some other world, its clear, sky is bright and may be its raining and it will be stormy, still people would enjoy the intoxication of the season. I for once will live in my darkness but look out of the window for the change of season in my world. 


Its not need, not desire but sheer faith and honesty. Desire for nothing when you have faith and faith is no illusion. It will not break, its beyond perfection. It can not be challenged. Its mine and will always be mine, no matter what or who!

Yet to Fall..

The leaf is yet to fall..I had pictured something that it had fallen or I was atleast visualizing the fall in near future. It was almost there, near the ground because it had to reach there, only then could I have relieved myself of the misery. But then I didn't know that it was just flying low, its destiny is driven by purpose. A purpose so strong that it is beyond self or I might be mistaken and it is actually only self. My purpose was as honest when I seeded the plant as it is till now even though I might never grab the flying leaf.

Nothing had changed I realized just after few hours when I had convinced myself that things are different. Senseless it is, or pure insanity or for that matter my first clear conviction that what I felt was right and worth. The leaf looked dry from various angles, it started discoloring, rotting from edges I was so sure that its the end and I would pat my back and say that I witnessed the end and had the courage, but when did I know that it was just my vision which was wilting, a selfish vision that could only see what it wanted to. How am I supposed to feel elated about that when I sit and ponder !


The height of the tree, the direction of the breeze and the flying leaf, all seem to be distant, completely out of reach...out of my bound existence..how can a rooted human like me would admire a flying object or a feeling..or may be I should be the best example of a human who would sink into the pain of realizing the importance of freedom as I have the credit of seeding the plant and let it grow. In any case, there has been no death and hence there has been no fall. It is against a fall and it is yet to fall. I hope it will.. else my belief and respect would just make me sink into this rooted world.


I would water another plant with my tears, with all that I have and still hope the same growth and height but this time it might not be real, I might like to be the illusionist or a victim I don't know..I will figure out ..for the love of the idea..for peace.

Still..

On a Saturday afternoon, if I start my line on Stillness it would be awkward but I find it no less than exciting. Its a wonderful feeling when you could just sit for a while on your desk, keeping aside all those hovering thoughts and plans for work and simply admire certain things, memories and smile hopelessly. Its beautiful and contagious to yourself.


I am 'Still' when so much is happening around me, 'for' me and 'by' me. Its a mere stillness to the chaos, an answer much demanded than desired. A very adamant mind set may be or can call my idiosyncrasy, but nice. I wonder, when one can sit and crib, find mistakes, be unhappy, curse people, regret in its real sense and weep for futile reasons, stillness is a gift, a miracle just round the corner of my mind acting like a guardian. More so, it even helps to smile at undefined and inconsequential things, a negative emotion is just shooed away by this calmness. I can admire attributes of a human in an honest perception even though I might not want it or give- into the situation.


I simply fear my calmness, its been tough to weep but easy to smile. Its a retaliation among memories or reality I don't know but my answer is as simple as it could have been ever in my life. So much of clarity among a blinding haze. Multiple nights of unconquered dreams and unanswered questions lead to peace? I thought it was exhaustion!


I doubt it badly now, it sounds like an illusion, but its happening. I have an innocent hope that its just me and no one else. I hope there is no indifference creeping within Self. Thoughts is what we are and do they make a human and create its existence or its the other way round I am still figuring out!
If yesterday I was amazed to observe someone smile at everything and nothing, insane they are called much abiding to the conventional mindset, I would hint myself towards the same category then. But its fun. Its been and I am sure it will be.


Stillness is most likely another step, evolution, moving up the grade set by me and only Me. I admire those who have reached there and apprehensive about few who are still trying. I hope they make it or I hope they don't, may be they don't fit. It will spoil my peace. But I am an optimist, a universal one. I will smile n Still Smile.

Profondeur

I stick to the walls,

like a dead body..

a dry soul, a stiff life.

I laugh not of joy

But of pain..I lay wide,

spread over the darkness

of my Self,

Wait for the obscene Sky.

I see it move and cry,

for I being a hopeless soul

I cannot die,

I just lie..stagnant and stony.

Let me be free,

let the time pass by.

Call me near to pacify..

My silent cry.

 

Virginity...of the untouched

Soft, surreal and delphic...the touch and the thought of the untouched. Did you loose it?
Yes, I think you did, with all the consciousness and faith in yourself. But its the soul, not the flesh and blood. The origin of a naive imagery of a wave, an intellectual wave drowned you and you, ignorant of swimming managed to be alive. You know why...because it touched your soul and how the hell could a soul even associate itself to life and death!

The wave, in varied forms tested the stability of your thoughts, proceedings in your mind and always posed a threat to your existence but still you managed to sail through. You know why...because you inherently wanted it...so badly that it seemed natural..a touch like untouched. It couldn't deter your 'Self' as it approached hard making you loose your virginity ..of your soul. It still didn't matter, couldn't inculcate a sense of guilt. You know why....because you loved it. You hated it too. You never broke down and stood strong facing it. You lost it, but you always won it. 

The stretch of the arms, the penetrating eyes, the enigmatic face and the painful questions surrounded you just to make you run faster than never before..to save you from the ominous destination. You didn't embrace it. You killed it, for the sake of the wave's integrity and for your conviction. You created a mirage of disarray, may be a reflection of an affectionate yet powerful being. You lost it. The wave taught you that reflections are always reflections...mirage is a mirage and reality is always reality..no matter how fast you run or stand still forever. 

I am proud that you never cared..the sky, the wind, the earth and as a whole the nature conspired against the unison of souls...there was storm, it was dark and windy..so dark that the shadows died painful death..still you were awake. Waiting to loose it, to feel the oracular..feel what you were destined for. Yes you lost it..the virginity ..of the untouched.  

     

Mana ra Marichika

Jeebana ra e drushya bada kashtara, kahinki na epari jeebana ra chinta mora nahi ba nathila. Ete dina hela jadi mun ..mun hei rahili tebe aaji kaahin mun bhangi jauchi?

Kimba mun jaani nahi je aaji parzyanta je jibana byapana kalaa se mun na au kiye. Prati raati, dina jadi mun au kaha bisaya re bhabe kimba se dui topa luha buhaye tebe mun jeebana re kichi sikhuchi na kebala kashta bhoga karuchi mu jaane na. Hele mun aiya hi bhaabhi chalibi je eita eka prakaara ra sikhya. Manisa habara ek dharma je jaaha bhabana ek samaya re tuma 'aham' ru bali jaae, taha ek prakaara ra atulaniya ebang swachha bhabana. Mun e payee dukhita nuhe je mora jibana re mun nija chada aao kahariku adhika bhabanatmaka roopa re dekhe ba gurutwa diye, mun dukhita ee payin je mora bhabana ra gurutwa se aara manisha ta bi jadi bujhe tebe mote kichi shaanti mili jiba. Kintu ek dharma santaka je, se manisha jadi chaahena je mote bhabishya re kashta heu, tebe se mora abahela by upekshya kari paare. 

Mun kebala aiya bujhi paare na je aemiti manushya ku mun aahuri bhala roopare dekhibi na sehipari upekhya kruta drushti re dekhi, mana ku maari aagaku badhi jibi jaaha ki mo bhabisya paayin bes bhala haba. 
Eha ek kashta dayaka parajyaaya..

Admixture...

They scream, not just speak...loud and nasty. For what?...well to prove a point. Yes, everyone does want to prove something to someone all the time. Very rarely to one's own-Self.

I am sick of listening to a lot of hullabaloo about a lot of things..relevant and irrelevant. It can start from feminism, to work ethics, to values, indulgence in a social bondage called marriage, trust of a friend, faith in God, being patriotic, being creative, breaking monotony, feeling responsible, alcohol, smoking, genetic disorders, political crises, cartoon of Ambedkar to Didi's Speeches, discussions on capitalism to ignorance of mankind, failure of relations to Darwinian evolution...whatever it is ...they just scream to prove a point and not just understand it in an honest way...I am sick of it. Its the curse of being a listener, someone who cannot ignore the voices or even if tries to, gets caught somewhere. That's a weakness I need to overcome. 


I am ignorant of many things in this world and I am working towards attaining a clarity in my attempts and thoughts. I respect those who respect their thoughts, value them , condition it with changing times and again change when required, basically for survival and the appreciation of one's existence. I smile at the mob who doesn't care what it speaks, but just speaks for the heck of it. And in turn advices me to follow them or even appreciate what it does!..I can't and I won't as far as its possible and manageable I surely won't. Yes, in my own right I might not be a rebel for others to see it but for me within, it might be a struggle every moment and I value that a lot and I am not accountable for any of it to anyone except myself. 

So the point is, if one really has to talk and convince, then the first person he should convince is himself and then comes the 'others'. If its for the sake of gaining importance, smoking and drinking to impress someone, reading and getting bored and unable to comprehend but still doing it to make someone else happy, claiming that he/ she is evolving without even considering what evolution means...then I dislike everything and everyone of such kind...I would do the same to myself if and when I fall into the category called Mob. I would just try keeping my hands and head above the ever sinking mob mentality till I am able to, till I belong to myself.

Moments

Only if I had the freedom to fly,

to touch you and cry..

to bury myself and die,

I would call you..

Fall and still Fly.

Only if I had the words 

to express, to scream...

I would love the moments,

memories and smile,

 Till I see them passing by

 Lost in the night sky!

Then and Now

 

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought" said Buddha.

I was just wondering what had happened all my life which means the years I have walked on this earth till now. Did I think anything before acting? Is the result actually because of my thoughts...my own or influence.

Phase one :

Typical parents. Discipline, study and study and study and learn what?..how to compete. Age...may be four. I did study and was very disciplined kid. Father loved it not because I was studying but because I was respecting him and abiding by rules. I remember, with every passing year then on, I was asked to excel with the promise of a reward. I actually never cared about those rewards but just blindly wanted to give what they wanted. Yes I was successful all the time except few when I was really sick and that I needed to compensate the next year. Yes I was a part of negotiation more than my childhood. I never knew it would grow bigger and bigger with my age.

Phase two:

Expectations and confusions. School, marks, painting, debate, extempore, quiz and basket ball. It was all there. But, there was no fun...it was routine, sometimes scolded by father for not putting enough effort on Mathematics and diverting time towards painting. Oh no..it wasn't true! I did maths and I painted too. But painting wasn't suppose to be there on my mind as painters don't stand first in there class and I had to!

It did make me think..think hard ..could I manage both?..Am I good at both or am I just following my parents out of fear...do I even know what I think. I think I knew. Age..may be fourteen and beyond. This was also the time when I had to feel that I belong to a specific gender which carries a lot of myth within and some undefined norms beyond which you were not allowed to see. I didn't care on lot of occasions. It did hurt my parents but the development of ego was at its best. 'I am giving you what you want, you leave me with my freedom'. I was an ideal child for the world, for parents too. Never retaliated until someone questioned my conviction and passion. I just wanted to be free. Not literally but mentally. It was a burden of my own stupidities and expectations. 

Phase three:

Bitterness and confidence at its best. Exams, fear, uncertainty, prestige issues with parents, my so called expected beautiful life turning into a mess. Not that bad as it sounds but with the notions and predefined career options as well as teachers expectations, became a hell lot of shit. I just wanted to run away, from parents, from all those who influenced my parents, especially father. I wanted to break out of my fear, wanted to prove a lot of things which my father knew I possessed but he wanted to see with his own eyes in his own way. I always thought that anyone who is good enough and knows that he/she can stand up for him/herself will always do good no matter what happens. But father didn't get the point. He had seen the best side of me which he thought was the best and it was wrong..it was just what he wanted me to be and what I showed him. I just stood for myself, spoke whenever needed. Watched my sick mother and did what he wanted before I could have my way and I knew I would have it someday. Its not about my freedom but just a phase where you fight against a lot of things including yourself..it passed but not so soon. I had to prove that I was good and It took few years for my father to get that into his conscience that I was the same ideal daughter. I grew stronger, focused, cared about none except myself and did best what I was doing. Lot of people came in, passed by. Few became friends for a long time and few just got erased from memory. I didn't care much and I don't care now. Age: early twenties.

Current Phase:

Run, get and run again. This phase is the best phase of my so called monotonous life...more so because I initiated a few things, continued a few and have the courage to terminates a few. Its a phase which I always was looking forward to. Its not about the freedom only or being away from parents. It has already been eight years being away from home. And I am not the home sick kind. Its about the freedom to realize freedom, to change perceptions, to question moments, to curse people, to curse yourself for being diplomatic, to  love yourself for being passionate for few things, to love others for they bring about a lost identity in  me, to care for those whom I thought I would never care for, to dislike the mentalities of many and actually speak about it, to do what I never wanted to do...to break inhibitions, to cry loud in a lonely room, to laugh my heart out with myself, to feel the essence of being a woman, to feel what I always ignored or rather was indifferent to. 

This phase is the most uncertain, decisive and strange one...yet beautiful. Every day a new question, a new dilemma, a sleepless night and a mundane lab..still poses threat...causes pain and makes me survive for another day. Career, relation or no relation, family, sick but strong mother, ever expecting but a great father, a loving and dependent, yet selfish brother and few unique friends...life has to show more and I think I would face it, not so weak woman I am...I know it. 

Maya

Maya sits there in one corner of her room. Holds a string, keeps pulling it, wants to stretch it without realizing that its just a string, it can't be stretched like an elastic! But she does try, every day and night with a dead hope that it will and that day she would sleep peacefully..

Its her thirtieth birthday. She wears the same gown she always wore on her birthday since her twenty-fifth. She hasn't put on weight in these five years, rather lost some..easily fits into the now over sized gown . Still holds the string, seems to be waiting for someone or something. A question on her mind, sometimes a void and sometimes a vicious smile while observing that strange string irritates me. What is she thinking! why hasn't things changed around her or its a deliberated effort to keep her surrounding meaningless. Don't know. She seems to wait for a call as the phone is at the corner of the room and she sits quite close to it. Every time there is a faintest sound, I can see a spark in her eyes. It dies even faster than her breathe. She never speaks about her gown or b'day or anything. I am curious as to why her name is Maya when she seems so dull. I may have to wait till she wants to speak up or she won't i don't know.


The phone rings on her thirtieth b'day at 11:50p.m. It rings for quite sometime till she picks it up, not allowing me to go for it. She is shocked at the continuous sound when it rings as if she had never heard a ring before. She has become weak, may be because she doesn't eat well and sleep well. She doesn't allow her parents to care for her and its a painful sight when they want to take her back to her bedroom and make her sleep. Seems like she doesn't belong to this world anymore. But now I see some lost enthusiasm in her when she holds the phone. I wait for her reaction after the conversation. But there is no conversation, she listens to someone puts back the receiver as if there was no call at all. 

She struggles to go back to her room but manages to reach the door. Again goes to the corner of her room, leaves the door open for me to see what is she upto. I watch and I just watch. She pulls the string, again..harder and it breaks. She cries, cries her heart out till she isn't able to anymore. A silence and then goes to her table, takes out a diary and a pen, scribbles something and tries to sleep. 'I knew you will never come back'..that's what she writes. I don't sleep that night, just watch her sleep. She sleeps because she has no reason to be awake, the reason for which she waited years is no longer there and she is tired. I watch her. I feel I am seeing myself, my own reflection. 


Maya on her 25th b'day wears a beautiful gown, waits for his call. The phone rings but its not him, its from a hospital and he is admitted, a stroke what he fights for. A partial paralysis and subsequent loss of memory. She knows what he is been doing. She was and is helpless, what she knows is she doesn't want to leave him at any cost. Maya meets him at the hospital. He smiles and tries to wish her. He gives her a string..a string he pulled out from one of her gowns when they were intimate, he had kept it close to him ever since. She takes it, identifies herself with it and says she will wait. She speaks without words that she will accept what's in-store and watches him as he sleeps. She doesn't sleep after that night. And today she sleeps like a child. 

I just hope she is alive or my hope is against hers..i don't know.

She..

She is silent and she had to be. Standing on the rocks enduring the midnight breeze isn't easy for her, but she still stands there just to see how much can she take and drink it all. She knows what is happening to her body and soul but she denies to see it and feel anything. It isn't meant to give her pain but a sense of achievement, a sense strong enough to make her smile at everything around. She knows she loves to hate things and hates to love even more. It didn't come naturally to her! It was through a journey, a kind which made her quite like 'she' is now. 


Everything is a first time sometime, everyone is a stranger at some point of time and she with all her consciousness knows it so well that now it doesn't matter anymore. How much or how little was never a question in her life..she just wanted to keep dilemma's at bay..but is it ever possible in life with all the womanhood she has!


She decides to conquer all her fears when she is low, so low that she fears she might sink into it and just get lost in the nature. Its not a simple realization..its way deeper than I ever thought. Its subtle but dangerous...and who doesn't like adventure...and pain...She rather loves it and just stands there every night, either silent listening to her breath or whispering, getting aware of her existence or sometimes weeping...celebrating her victory over her fears...


I know she will survive even though from my perspective I can see her at the brink of a crisis..she might fall off the rock and die..but that's just my way of seeing it..I am sure she isn't falling...she never was weak and she never will sink. I feel her strength when she just looks at me...blank, with dispassion and I get it...She is on her way fighting and moving fast...very fast.

Vikara/Nirvikara....and Aadi

Vikara (change) is as true as my existence, as simple as my Maa's smile, as complex as my Baba's problems and as dynamic as the flow of water. Whereas Nirvikara is as indifferent as my emotions sometimes, as clueless as future, as subtle as myself and dead as a past. Still, there is Aadi and Aadi is as inevitable as Vikara itself.


Aadi, as the conception of a child, a thought, an emotion or renunciation has governed my life and in-turn my soul. It acts like you who appears in many forms, as my past, my present and I am sure will be evident in future too. Nirvikara is also brought about you sometimes. It  becomes heavy on me, very heavy on my eyes and heavier on my heart too. I feel the Aadi of constancy is equally important as Aadi itself, for it makes me realize that I need to move with time, Nirvikara might take away all that I have and I should go for the change, listen to that voice of yours, even though its faint. 

Oh! Aadi, I can never underestimate your power whatever happens in my life, as you have in your randomness brought about an order like never before. An order so envious that I can kill myself when I look at my reflection, so strong and invincible. You have inculcated the power in me.. to weep inside and still carry a smile when needed, more often than not. I am grateful that you are my Aadi and tomorrow you can be someone else's too but nothing will change...I will still be grateful and sometimes be like a sweet friend, a lover and a guardian. I connect to you and hence to my Anth (end) too. You don't have to remind me of the Anth as for me, Aadi is life and only you can bring about the Anth. That's the Nirvikara in my thought process and at the same time that's the change bringing about significant evolution in me too. 


I thank you for being there as a reason for my existence and so called Life.

The Fall

I see the leaf fall, touch the ground, disfigure and rot. But I knew it would happen, sooner or later. I have seen the plant grow into a lush green beautiful tree, comforting, appealing and furious at the same time. It doesn't surprise me one bit that I am a part of its evolution and still being a mere spectator with all my numbness. It shouldn't have been that way. The leaf shouldn't have seen me this way, letting it just fall and decompose.

Let me be honest with myself at this time. I did drop a few tears when the first one fell, when it called me for a rescue and one thing that held me back was myself, I could have done something, but what?  As simple and complex a question if I look at it. Many fell, I watched, plain, simple and may be obvious for me to accept it. May be I was getting acquainted with the self-evident shit. I had to..for my survival, my strength, my conviction in myself..upright and fighting against all odds...all conflicts. 
Somehow this last but one fall is a gradual renunciation towards something I call a deeper feeling within, a turmoil created and acted upon well or may be a bleary outrage....may be....
There is this last one, still green but wilting at the edges. Its relatively mature and invigorated..not shaken by the fall of others, but holding on...speaking loud that it would survive longer...longer enough to see me fall some day or night.

That, would be something unheralded, beautiful and immensely positive. Its a wish, an innocent, undiluted and honest wish...for all the worldly attachments I have inculcated within for every possible leaf, its a respect for all of them, for my life, my journey and death. No storm shall affect, no sun and no rain...I would be there, watching it ...guarding it with my hope, my belief so that it stays. The last doesn't mean 'the lost'. It just is a test of time, for both of us to be spectators of each others life.. as one of us will survive. One of us will live the end and love the end too in our eyes...with all that we had...for the moments and for the untouched feelings ...my last leaf...  

Love for Contraventions...

A day starts, ends and a new one starts. Is it the beauty of the monotony or the monotony of beautiful feelings I don't know. This says that I have been changing, slow and steady and sometimes fast and chaotic but I have changed for sure. Who else would identify beauty in monotony I say!
The quality of wearisome constancy as the definition says, is so adorable sometimes that this humdrum in a person, surrounding or myself just thrusts upon a feeling to evolve more and more and more till I can imagine.

I don't take it as an offensive feeling so as to say, to appreciate this constancy because every morning I get up, I just ponder how should I challenge the captivity of the 'sameness' around...It helps, sure it does, it has done a lot to me over the years and it will continue doing its trick on me and so its beautiful...its gainsaying...a blessing in disguise!

In this life what constantly germinates is a thought, sometimes altruistic, sometimes eccentric and egoistic and many a times painful and renunciative. They grow, spread and then entrap and engulf all I have in me and pass...sink with gravity and vanish with time..that's what they are meant to do...

What happens next is a mysterious outburst leading to another painfully lovely outlook with 'Contraventions', tied everywhere forming a mesh around the thinking mind. It just doesn't end there...the penetration is through heart, feelings and then soul...kills me..and simultaneously whispers that I should live in ecstasy, bear the prick and again Evolve. 

Every tomorrow becomes present, so fast and clear that I have to endure the conflicts, love and live with it. There is no fallacious intention to ruin my soul.. but to realize it, to nurture it and question it as long as I am alive and exist in nature. The tenderness of this string which holds my contraventions and my love for monotony is unexplainable and with every passing day and night the string is fortified....deep and dense.

Silent Revelations..

I am the reflection of my silence, my thirst and my quest. A reflection so intense that it feels like a trap. A trap, so deep that it makes me reveal the darkness. The darkness is so vivid that I can't hold myself long enough. But what is actually long enough? A day, a month, a year or few years! What is it that makes me so inquisitive about my own silence and reflections of my mind..


Revelations through my silence is sometimes so baffling that it is irresistible. I am a mere performer in the act of my own shadows, my own breath and idiosyncrasies. 'I' is my strength, my conviction against the dis-confirming side of me. 'I' is what struggles every moment to just testify the strength and grandness of my silence. 'I' is what is Me.


What have I got to do with you when I am cognizant enough to question you, ignore you to the extent of non-existence..I can perceive the loudness of your persona and its influence on my SELF. I despise you!
The silence of the wind is very rarely sensed as it is not meant to be silent but when it is, it is loud enough to reveal that 'I' in me..it is beautiful and unexplainable.


My tryst with my silence and in turn the revelations have been unfeigned as well as painful. I still stand committed to it, to satisfy that 'I' which helps me in the darkest of the nights, to face the turmoil created by Your existence. My silent revelations are my soul, and the quest is never ending for what I have indulged myself in the so called 'Desire', the 'YOU'.

Its not DARK yet...

Its not dark yet, and I am already silent. I can feel the numbness and listen to my restless heart beats. Its not dark yet, still I see myself running behind something absurd, something unconventional..may be something like ME...


Its not far enough that I have to travel through time to reach my own thoughts, remind myself of the days I never was alive enough. One woman beneath a gory and gloomy sky isn't enough to make me realize that I am not the same 'Her'. Its not dark yet, that I have to escape my own breathe and long for the peaceful sleep...for the closure of those eyelids like a child who knows just how to smile much more than how to shed tears.


You are not worthy enough to create a mirage of happiness around, an illusion best described as 'Meaningless' yet important. You were not there, when that woman embraced the glory of death, her emotions at point blank, speechless and pale... she laid down under that same painfully dark sky which today calls me towards it...calls me loud enough. But I know, its not dark Yet!


You, are the same, the past, future but No Present at all and I know it. I believe that You were her delusion and my illusion so as to say, nothing more and nothing less. I would rather pacify myself seeing you as a coward, than killing my soul every night.


I would love the idea to Live ... to survive my own darkness within/out you as I see it clear that its not dark yet and I still love the Obscurity in Me...

Re-dis-cover.....

What is discovery of SELF?
Do you just see yourself as never before or you just don't want to see yourself at all..
Can one moment define what you were..who you are and why you will be that way sometime down the line..?


Thoughts, like a flash of light can just pierce the mighty head and the foolish but still a mighty and beating heart. But are we talking about a 'brightness' afterwards or a never ending gloomy n dark night..
I think its all about questioning over and over again, the same old 'YOU'...
The same you responsible for the cause and the consequences, why blame others..

Its you who sat in front of that bed, gazing through the stars, trying to find one that glows throughout, its you who dropped few tears contemplating about your foolishness, its you who wanted to go into that deep slumber but kept yourself hanging...so why be the same again...and confess again!


A fight between 'I am Human' and 'I am an unemotional and self-satisfied' human is a never ending one. It just speaks of one possibility, that of Evolving and Un-covering those you always wanted to show, Re-ignite something that you always thought had died in you and Dis-believe them who always pointed a finger at you and you knew you could stand for yourself...


That's what is simply loving and living  the 'SELF' discovery or rather, Re(finement and ignite)-Dis(belief)-reCovery.