For a decent part of my life, I was under the impression that things and people can be ideal, at least to my eyes if I am being ideal again to myself which means whatever idealism I defined for myself and much influenced by parents and society. But on this day I do not feel hesitant confessing that Idealism of null and void is the only predominant truth and there may be suffering but at least its not fake. Its the only thing which makes me as I am and differentiates me from what I was.
I, for instance have had very few things in life to regret about or feel guilty as I had been dwelling in self-defined cocoon and its protection which to an extent I still do. It doesn't change overnight but eventually it will die, for the good I hope. A recent accusation that I see things ideally and hence become selfish in my own right and can only feed my ego and ambition, left me puzzled if it was true. I feel it is to some extent and it will be until I break the protection and let myself experience all that I can. Hurt, get hurt, stand, run, serve, care and love...its all a part of the schedule and time table of my life. The only belief which is challenged every time I want to stand straight, is an unknown and undefined feeling of companionship at times..a void in terms of dependency and a need sometimes to break the monotony of being lonely. Its not a big problem as I might see it sometimes just because I am being questioned by myself, but its a fact and I certainly have to accept it as things move.
People say when you leave your 'I' you achieve the much awaited peace, but my intuition says that you can be peaceful with your 'I' always at its place and Self-less when you deal with the ones you care about. It comes as a free gift, I mean the peace when you realize that your I only leads to identifying the other human you are concerned about and its the same I which lets you become self less. Nothing in the world can equate with that negotiation or no negotiation when two individuals, the giver and the taker are together. No matter how hard things might look or be as well, expression will be easy..may be a simple silence. Its peace and everyone of us have our own perception in this matter. This is purely mine.
So, today if I see someone suffering, see myself suffering or see my parents suffering because of me or not because of me..the only thought that prevails is if I can be of any good to each one of them including myself and for that what I require only is 'Clarity'. A choice as to what will make me happy. Am I ready to ruin my life for something or someone or am I actually learning things with every phase and what is the feeling associated with each one of them. I can leave behind a lot of things but as I see myself is one heck of a female who at most times puts herself in others shoes and feels things. Well for that I needn't bind myself to only few but to all unrelated humans who at some point in time will need me, my presence and I too might get it back or might not..
A giver, who just wants to breathe easy...let people come and go and take what I have to offer.. if at all they want, or get their share of peace. I will get my share out of it. I no more feel the need of complicating my own perspective. A beginning after every end and an end after every beginning is the ideal process. I am no one to deny it. I live right now with the idealism of null and void.
