Then and Now

 

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought" said Buddha.

I was just wondering what had happened all my life which means the years I have walked on this earth till now. Did I think anything before acting? Is the result actually because of my thoughts...my own or influence.

Phase one :

Typical parents. Discipline, study and study and study and learn what?..how to compete. Age...may be four. I did study and was very disciplined kid. Father loved it not because I was studying but because I was respecting him and abiding by rules. I remember, with every passing year then on, I was asked to excel with the promise of a reward. I actually never cared about those rewards but just blindly wanted to give what they wanted. Yes I was successful all the time except few when I was really sick and that I needed to compensate the next year. Yes I was a part of negotiation more than my childhood. I never knew it would grow bigger and bigger with my age.

Phase two:

Expectations and confusions. School, marks, painting, debate, extempore, quiz and basket ball. It was all there. But, there was no fun...it was routine, sometimes scolded by father for not putting enough effort on Mathematics and diverting time towards painting. Oh no..it wasn't true! I did maths and I painted too. But painting wasn't suppose to be there on my mind as painters don't stand first in there class and I had to!

It did make me think..think hard ..could I manage both?..Am I good at both or am I just following my parents out of fear...do I even know what I think. I think I knew. Age..may be fourteen and beyond. This was also the time when I had to feel that I belong to a specific gender which carries a lot of myth within and some undefined norms beyond which you were not allowed to see. I didn't care on lot of occasions. It did hurt my parents but the development of ego was at its best. 'I am giving you what you want, you leave me with my freedom'. I was an ideal child for the world, for parents too. Never retaliated until someone questioned my conviction and passion. I just wanted to be free. Not literally but mentally. It was a burden of my own stupidities and expectations. 

Phase three:

Bitterness and confidence at its best. Exams, fear, uncertainty, prestige issues with parents, my so called expected beautiful life turning into a mess. Not that bad as it sounds but with the notions and predefined career options as well as teachers expectations, became a hell lot of shit. I just wanted to run away, from parents, from all those who influenced my parents, especially father. I wanted to break out of my fear, wanted to prove a lot of things which my father knew I possessed but he wanted to see with his own eyes in his own way. I always thought that anyone who is good enough and knows that he/she can stand up for him/herself will always do good no matter what happens. But father didn't get the point. He had seen the best side of me which he thought was the best and it was wrong..it was just what he wanted me to be and what I showed him. I just stood for myself, spoke whenever needed. Watched my sick mother and did what he wanted before I could have my way and I knew I would have it someday. Its not about my freedom but just a phase where you fight against a lot of things including yourself..it passed but not so soon. I had to prove that I was good and It took few years for my father to get that into his conscience that I was the same ideal daughter. I grew stronger, focused, cared about none except myself and did best what I was doing. Lot of people came in, passed by. Few became friends for a long time and few just got erased from memory. I didn't care much and I don't care now. Age: early twenties.

Current Phase:

Run, get and run again. This phase is the best phase of my so called monotonous life...more so because I initiated a few things, continued a few and have the courage to terminates a few. Its a phase which I always was looking forward to. Its not about the freedom only or being away from parents. It has already been eight years being away from home. And I am not the home sick kind. Its about the freedom to realize freedom, to change perceptions, to question moments, to curse people, to curse yourself for being diplomatic, to  love yourself for being passionate for few things, to love others for they bring about a lost identity in  me, to care for those whom I thought I would never care for, to dislike the mentalities of many and actually speak about it, to do what I never wanted to do...to break inhibitions, to cry loud in a lonely room, to laugh my heart out with myself, to feel the essence of being a woman, to feel what I always ignored or rather was indifferent to. 

This phase is the most uncertain, decisive and strange one...yet beautiful. Every day a new question, a new dilemma, a sleepless night and a mundane lab..still poses threat...causes pain and makes me survive for another day. Career, relation or no relation, family, sick but strong mother, ever expecting but a great father, a loving and dependent, yet selfish brother and few unique friends...life has to show more and I think I would face it, not so weak woman I am...I know it.