I don't know. What I do know is, I love to paint my dream. A dream with colors or in monochrome, a dream with passion or silence-may be a dream of another dream. If I look back, I see myself as someone who loved discipline, had a peculiar way of surviving things-loved being monotonous. Here I see myself today and I am astonished..how did I survive this way for so long. Being vaguely outrageous but mostly a humdrum existence!
It occurs to me that the scenario will gulp me in future too and I will have no reason to escape. How I fear it all of a sudden. My survival strategy is..just paint. I paint my dreams, in thoughts, on paper, on walls, on cupboards, anywhere...everywhere. Its for me, only for me and for no one. Painting a dream has been horrifying. Imagine something in the middle of the night, unable to sleep-do what? Take a brush and start. Its an experience unexplainable. Its comforting amidst vague thoughts, it gives an unusual strength to live another day-to see how the colors look the next day. Do they exhibit familiar feelings or are they instantly dead the moment you sleep and gain existence the next moment you dream?
It hurts to dream that way, messing my fingers up with colors having no meaning at some point in time. It challenges my belief, my integrity, my strength and also my tomorrow or a tomorrow which is never mine!
I think I am done with such failing or falling moments- painting doors or feeling elated. I need to take charge of my own reality, dream is always a part of it though. I may not paint it, may not even think about it and I know it may just remain a goal far fetched. Still, I would try to cage myself for the sake of clarity. May be someday soon I shall visualize the road, the trees or the sky like I did as a child. I once again shall dance in the rain, care whether or not my feet gets dirty or I fall terribly sick. The sparkling drops touching my eyes and cheeks would reveal all the answers to my naive queries or not so naive uncertainties. I would crave to paint then too, but I wont. Or may be I shall just paint-but without a 'dream'.
