Being..

Stand wherever you are and the whole world shall seem moving. If you are dizzy with the people in it, stand still-hold on. Whatever happens in and around is always a consequence of what you have thought, done and been a part. The decision and choice is always open but the choice to choose itself has been the most difficult part.

Now You cannot go back to things and rectify them if you ever wanted to, because everything has had its own meaning and importance at that point of time. If you have a feeling of sinking and loosing yourself ..then stand still. It passes, with time and more so again with time. Actually, contemplating doesn't help at all. Its a pain most of the times as we keep grilling ourselves in it. Its not a healthy exercise at all, especially when you feel you are standing alone in the river banks and you don't even know if you are waiting for someone or you want to just 'be' in the moment.

This loneliness is just like a mirage. Its so damn allusive sometimes that you cannot be sure if want to be in that state or not. Sometimes it feels like its only you and the air you inhale-exhale..and sometimes its like it chokes your body and soul-can't breath! How can be it be conflicting. Well seeing yourself or the immediate beings, happy  feels so painful sometimes. Not because you don't like yourself or them to be happy- just that you feel perturbed, rather clueless. You cannot blame yourself for being unhappy, you just got to revisit yourself, express your worth to yourself. Its a state of mind, a strange psychology. Its not your character-but a phase. You deal with it hard enough, make your space again and try to move.

The same faces become a butt of joke, the names which once made you shaky, seem worthless. You wait for that vigor in you. It does happens, it actually happens all the time. You just have to move with time and relatively stand still to your killing surroundings. Its a survival game. Winning or loosing is a weird state but surviving the game is what makes it worth. Persistence decides what is your present and how would you be in your forthcoming games. I hope the game never ends, tears never stop-it would build you and break you and freaking self will simply love it!

Hollow victory

Hollow smile,
fake and drowning-
Renunciation.

He stares, as a child.
I see the day light,
wait for it to die.

Tears, colours
all together they
dance on my floor,

and I let him
dance too, in my
garden, the spring-

blooms, glowing
and trying to make
me happy, Laugh

at my misery.
The buried lives
become visible.

Obscure, alive-play
tricks on mind
like a five year old

Playing with mother.
There is love, hate
anger-love again.

What have I done
to learn this game!
Or is it something else?

The warmth, the fire
the touch, the prick
the trance, the gloom.

All of them burnt
into pieces or ashes.
They will not rise

Again in this spring.
the smile will be 
still, rejuvenating.

No pain, embracing
beauty and clarity-
No judgement I say.

Dream daze

Its a mystery night,
I choke in my dream,
I know its unreal-
a scary one it may seem.

I am lost in a jumble,
a puzzle, a haze
a building so tall
No escape.

I fall, I cry
a still body-
craves to die,
I can't say good bye.

For it is my soul,
hurt and dry.
Will I be able to
fly high?

Sane I am with
nothing in hand,
empty it is-
bare on sands.

No smoke, no air
no trance, no fear
depth of water-
few burnt hair.

I like it no more,
running in the dream-
like an empty brain
craving for shore.

I shall fly on the river,
float on the walls-
for I see the world,
it is a whorl.

I am upturned,
by my own 'self'
I am no more
no one a help.

I still can stand
without spinning,
for I exist-
till the point blank.

I.C.U

I wonder many a times about the things/people/places I like..is it because I see a reflection of my own? 
 Or is it something that I am missing in myself that I admire in another person, the peace I miss within-I seek in that place or the thing I can't possess, I love it....

They do puzzle me at times. If I am fond of someone's work, is it because I feel I can never do it..or because I love to understand what people do around me, something which I don't do but can appreciate. I like someone (guy/girl) for 'n' number or reasons-every reason is significant and consequential in its own right. Is it because I am like them or I am not! Is it I vs Me or is it simply that 'I' love 'Me'?

Does that mean that this reflective love will fade away, once I find my answers or will it never fade as I shall not stop loving myself and hence may be people..! The colors I fill into a shape I created on a paper is just my thought-a blind thought or does it have to mean something all the time, I don't know. I would love to cry and cry to love something is because its my character or it is what it is..Me. Is it purely driven and governed by my own idiosyncrasies or it has 'more' to it-I am yet to discover.

If  I and Me are different, does my world fall apart, do I stop caring, loving or admiring people. Do I become loner from being alone or do I still exist the way I am meant to or want to.. Am I still seeing my reflection on someone's face and smiling, conversing and comforting thinking that its Me or is it just that this part of me is actually a missing something fulfilled by a person, a place, a color or an object?

I am in love with these questions too...they are encouraging enough to take over life in an unseen manner, as an adventurous journey. I don't know at what cost but at this moment they are beautiful and as honest as they could have ever been. They energize me when I burn out after a day's work or after a sleepless night, they poke me when I see 'myself' being a rock. They kill monotony and make me alive. I need to find the answers..until then I know 'I  C (see) U (you)'.

Retrograde phenomena.....

Its been a while that I peeped in, I do realize ...I had to be here. Couldn't stop myself finally.

So, where do we begin today. We shall speak of something different...especially after all those mind boggling talks, high-fi Science so as to say and the heavy-on-head discussions. I think I ought to switch gear. Hope so.

Every night before I go to bed , I ponder over few things. Very simple as they may sound... like 'what has made me smile today'..was that significant, was it for a while or was it long enough to make me crave for even more...
To my surprise I find that most of the times its trivial, irrelevant or insignificant things or even unrelated events that make me happy. Well that's not completely out of the box but yes smiling and being momentarily happy has become a concern in life looks like! Hence I am talking about it I guess.

The thing is, when we really run after a lot of reasons, people behind those reasons or circumstances which make us happy, we at most times by-pass these inconsequential events and ignore the bits and pieces of everyday life. My god! these pieces really make a big smile! As a child you never think of reasons which make you happy. You want it you get it or fight for it. Yes you don't question your beliefs, you satisfy your need. A need as simple as getting the latest bubble-gum in the market or collecting trump cards and showing off in front of your classmates. Oh I did that...it made me really happy those days. That's the beauty of growing up or the curse of growing old with experience may be.

If I actually know myself, I would say that a mere leaf which is just so 'green' makes me so happy that its beyond my comprehension. That leaf takes me through lot of emotions...the positivity of it growing, the vibrancy of that color, the freshness, the anger that it isn't really fit to grow there, among those weeds. Its a tremendous transformation from an indifferent human being to an emotional but not so illogical human being. I am simply amazed. I am not sure what does it take to really feel those things but it does have an impact.

On the other side, when you still want to be connected to the world; there is an equal urge to isolate yourself and go through every possible ups and downs in life. May be the leaf and I, where the simplicity and innocence of that naive living thing reminds me of my own childhood, could survive symbiotically. No man or woman would be allowed to dominate your thoughts. Only you and the beauty co-exist. We smile and fill our days with life and energy. What I feel is, its not easy to cling on to one thing and be happy about it or derive bouts of joy and smile. Its an unconscious effort that at least 'I' need to make to be as a child. Its not a day's job and the irony is ..we evolve..and this evolution is not slow. Its fast ..may be every hour, min or even second!

I have my illogical view points to laugh at, logical arguments to be proud of or artistic approach to my life ...its always mine. I would cherish every bit of it being eventful, dull or indifferent. But a day has to arrive which would call me a fool for letting go all those missing links, inconspicuous times, irrelevant people and illogical observations which could have made my life worth living. I don't know if that has arrived already or very near, I fear and at the same time I welcome it. I wait for it for my own good. For all that I am existing, for the love of being myself, I would embrace it and never let it die..there will be no night for such a day. 

It would be 'Experiencing Beauty'...uninhibited.