You Win if you feel so.

When the world is busy crying for more, some do really know the worth of getting something. Especially women who have been struggling to a make a mark in this so called advanced and 'fast' society which I really doubt. Everyone is struggling at his/her own front to be at peace. Achieve things in life, be proud, make immediate-loved ones and neighbors proud. But has one ever thought how arduous it could be sometimes to even convince the very fact that you need to study. 

Yes, I have seen many in my extended family who were given options to study, rather educate themselves-they didn't choose that path and yes ironically there were also women who desperately wanted to do something in life, study hard, make there presence felt-but failed. Blame it on time or the situation. Its till hurts to see some talents getting rusted, lost in time. But they choose that, out of whatever reason and today they stand successful in there own front. They make a house complete and may be someone's life complete too...that's there pursuit of happiness.  It brings tears to my eyes reading or listening to stories or incidents where lot of women today are unable to jump-off that so called high boundary of or society which begins at your own level of a small 'family'. They despite of being industrious, are being labelled as marriage commodity are being dispatched to other places ...the fad being out of country. You see going abroad with an NRI husband is really a great deal!  It sounds more like an achievement, where you may have to cook for life but ya not in India but in NY may be.

On the other hand, there has been a couple of incidents and nowadays with some support and a lot of effort a handful of them do succeed in getting educated. There enthusiasm is so convincing to their parents that they break all barriers..small ones but hard enough to stop your evolution. I have seen women going against their parent's will and performing extraordinarily well in India and abroad, especially when they were forced to get married and they somehow managed to get out of it. I feel happy about that. At least there potential is being justified and same parents feel proud talking about it all around. 

It does take guts and strength and faith of few great people in life. A teacher, a friend, a well wisher may be, a motivation from a simple thing, anything but yes faith in yourself being the modifier of everything. No matter how the mob around makes you feel, portrays you like you are no one and do not fit into the Men's logical world, you realize what you went through, where you cried and stood up for yourself and how hard it was for you to even face the society including you parents. So someone who answers back, a tit for tat for all those who never appreciated your strength but criticized ..not for the good, has truly achieved what she aimed for. When you can smile at the non-existent natives,  the ever complaining beings and still do what you have been trying to-you win and from then on your life starts. I am proud of such people and see myself and my experiences somewhere in this all along.

Being..

Stand wherever you are and the whole world shall seem moving. If you are dizzy with the people in it, stand still-hold on. Whatever happens in and around is always a consequence of what you have thought, done and been a part. The decision and choice is always open but the choice to choose itself has been the most difficult part.

Now You cannot go back to things and rectify them if you ever wanted to, because everything has had its own meaning and importance at that point of time. If you have a feeling of sinking and loosing yourself ..then stand still. It passes, with time and more so again with time. Actually, contemplating doesn't help at all. Its a pain most of the times as we keep grilling ourselves in it. Its not a healthy exercise at all, especially when you feel you are standing alone in the river banks and you don't even know if you are waiting for someone or you want to just 'be' in the moment.

This loneliness is just like a mirage. Its so damn allusive sometimes that you cannot be sure if want to be in that state or not. Sometimes it feels like its only you and the air you inhale-exhale..and sometimes its like it chokes your body and soul-can't breath! How can be it be conflicting. Well seeing yourself or the immediate beings, happy  feels so painful sometimes. Not because you don't like yourself or them to be happy- just that you feel perturbed, rather clueless. You cannot blame yourself for being unhappy, you just got to revisit yourself, express your worth to yourself. Its a state of mind, a strange psychology. Its not your character-but a phase. You deal with it hard enough, make your space again and try to move.

The same faces become a butt of joke, the names which once made you shaky, seem worthless. You wait for that vigor in you. It does happens, it actually happens all the time. You just have to move with time and relatively stand still to your killing surroundings. Its a survival game. Winning or loosing is a weird state but surviving the game is what makes it worth. Persistence decides what is your present and how would you be in your forthcoming games. I hope the game never ends, tears never stop-it would build you and break you and freaking self will simply love it!

Hollow victory

Hollow smile,
fake and drowning-
Renunciation.

He stares, as a child.
I see the day light,
wait for it to die.

Tears, colours
all together they
dance on my floor,

and I let him
dance too, in my
garden, the spring-

blooms, glowing
and trying to make
me happy, Laugh

at my misery.
The buried lives
become visible.

Obscure, alive-play
tricks on mind
like a five year old

Playing with mother.
There is love, hate
anger-love again.

What have I done
to learn this game!
Or is it something else?

The warmth, the fire
the touch, the prick
the trance, the gloom.

All of them burnt
into pieces or ashes.
They will not rise

Again in this spring.
the smile will be 
still, rejuvenating.

No pain, embracing
beauty and clarity-
No judgement I say.

Dream daze

Its a mystery night,
I choke in my dream,
I know its unreal-
a scary one it may seem.

I am lost in a jumble,
a puzzle, a haze
a building so tall
No escape.

I fall, I cry
a still body-
craves to die,
I can't say good bye.

For it is my soul,
hurt and dry.
Will I be able to
fly high?

Sane I am with
nothing in hand,
empty it is-
bare on sands.

No smoke, no air
no trance, no fear
depth of water-
few burnt hair.

I like it no more,
running in the dream-
like an empty brain
craving for shore.

I shall fly on the river,
float on the walls-
for I see the world,
it is a whorl.

I am upturned,
by my own 'self'
I am no more
no one a help.

I still can stand
without spinning,
for I exist-
till the point blank.

I.C.U

I wonder many a times about the things/people/places I like..is it because I see a reflection of my own? 
 Or is it something that I am missing in myself that I admire in another person, the peace I miss within-I seek in that place or the thing I can't possess, I love it....

They do puzzle me at times. If I am fond of someone's work, is it because I feel I can never do it..or because I love to understand what people do around me, something which I don't do but can appreciate. I like someone (guy/girl) for 'n' number or reasons-every reason is significant and consequential in its own right. Is it because I am like them or I am not! Is it I vs Me or is it simply that 'I' love 'Me'?

Does that mean that this reflective love will fade away, once I find my answers or will it never fade as I shall not stop loving myself and hence may be people..! The colors I fill into a shape I created on a paper is just my thought-a blind thought or does it have to mean something all the time, I don't know. I would love to cry and cry to love something is because its my character or it is what it is..Me. Is it purely driven and governed by my own idiosyncrasies or it has 'more' to it-I am yet to discover.

If  I and Me are different, does my world fall apart, do I stop caring, loving or admiring people. Do I become loner from being alone or do I still exist the way I am meant to or want to.. Am I still seeing my reflection on someone's face and smiling, conversing and comforting thinking that its Me or is it just that this part of me is actually a missing something fulfilled by a person, a place, a color or an object?

I am in love with these questions too...they are encouraging enough to take over life in an unseen manner, as an adventurous journey. I don't know at what cost but at this moment they are beautiful and as honest as they could have ever been. They energize me when I burn out after a day's work or after a sleepless night, they poke me when I see 'myself' being a rock. They kill monotony and make me alive. I need to find the answers..until then I know 'I  C (see) U (you)'.