Vikara/Nirvikara....and Aadi

Vikara (change) is as true as my existence, as simple as my Maa's smile, as complex as my Baba's problems and as dynamic as the flow of water. Whereas Nirvikara is as indifferent as my emotions sometimes, as clueless as future, as subtle as myself and dead as a past. Still, there is Aadi and Aadi is as inevitable as Vikara itself.


Aadi, as the conception of a child, a thought, an emotion or renunciation has governed my life and in-turn my soul. It acts like you who appears in many forms, as my past, my present and I am sure will be evident in future too. Nirvikara is also brought about you sometimes. It  becomes heavy on me, very heavy on my eyes and heavier on my heart too. I feel the Aadi of constancy is equally important as Aadi itself, for it makes me realize that I need to move with time, Nirvikara might take away all that I have and I should go for the change, listen to that voice of yours, even though its faint. 

Oh! Aadi, I can never underestimate your power whatever happens in my life, as you have in your randomness brought about an order like never before. An order so envious that I can kill myself when I look at my reflection, so strong and invincible. You have inculcated the power in me.. to weep inside and still carry a smile when needed, more often than not. I am grateful that you are my Aadi and tomorrow you can be someone else's too but nothing will change...I will still be grateful and sometimes be like a sweet friend, a lover and a guardian. I connect to you and hence to my Anth (end) too. You don't have to remind me of the Anth as for me, Aadi is life and only you can bring about the Anth. That's the Nirvikara in my thought process and at the same time that's the change bringing about significant evolution in me too. 


I thank you for being there as a reason for my existence and so called Life.

The Fall

I see the leaf fall, touch the ground, disfigure and rot. But I knew it would happen, sooner or later. I have seen the plant grow into a lush green beautiful tree, comforting, appealing and furious at the same time. It doesn't surprise me one bit that I am a part of its evolution and still being a mere spectator with all my numbness. It shouldn't have been that way. The leaf shouldn't have seen me this way, letting it just fall and decompose.

Let me be honest with myself at this time. I did drop a few tears when the first one fell, when it called me for a rescue and one thing that held me back was myself, I could have done something, but what?  As simple and complex a question if I look at it. Many fell, I watched, plain, simple and may be obvious for me to accept it. May be I was getting acquainted with the self-evident shit. I had to..for my survival, my strength, my conviction in myself..upright and fighting against all odds...all conflicts. 
Somehow this last but one fall is a gradual renunciation towards something I call a deeper feeling within, a turmoil created and acted upon well or may be a bleary outrage....may be....
There is this last one, still green but wilting at the edges. Its relatively mature and invigorated..not shaken by the fall of others, but holding on...speaking loud that it would survive longer...longer enough to see me fall some day or night.

That, would be something unheralded, beautiful and immensely positive. Its a wish, an innocent, undiluted and honest wish...for all the worldly attachments I have inculcated within for every possible leaf, its a respect for all of them, for my life, my journey and death. No storm shall affect, no sun and no rain...I would be there, watching it ...guarding it with my hope, my belief so that it stays. The last doesn't mean 'the lost'. It just is a test of time, for both of us to be spectators of each others life.. as one of us will survive. One of us will live the end and love the end too in our eyes...with all that we had...for the moments and for the untouched feelings ...my last leaf...  

Love for Contraventions...

A day starts, ends and a new one starts. Is it the beauty of the monotony or the monotony of beautiful feelings I don't know. This says that I have been changing, slow and steady and sometimes fast and chaotic but I have changed for sure. Who else would identify beauty in monotony I say!
The quality of wearisome constancy as the definition says, is so adorable sometimes that this humdrum in a person, surrounding or myself just thrusts upon a feeling to evolve more and more and more till I can imagine.

I don't take it as an offensive feeling so as to say, to appreciate this constancy because every morning I get up, I just ponder how should I challenge the captivity of the 'sameness' around...It helps, sure it does, it has done a lot to me over the years and it will continue doing its trick on me and so its beautiful...its gainsaying...a blessing in disguise!

In this life what constantly germinates is a thought, sometimes altruistic, sometimes eccentric and egoistic and many a times painful and renunciative. They grow, spread and then entrap and engulf all I have in me and pass...sink with gravity and vanish with time..that's what they are meant to do...

What happens next is a mysterious outburst leading to another painfully lovely outlook with 'Contraventions', tied everywhere forming a mesh around the thinking mind. It just doesn't end there...the penetration is through heart, feelings and then soul...kills me..and simultaneously whispers that I should live in ecstasy, bear the prick and again Evolve. 

Every tomorrow becomes present, so fast and clear that I have to endure the conflicts, love and live with it. There is no fallacious intention to ruin my soul.. but to realize it, to nurture it and question it as long as I am alive and exist in nature. The tenderness of this string which holds my contraventions and my love for monotony is unexplainable and with every passing day and night the string is fortified....deep and dense.

Silent Revelations..

I am the reflection of my silence, my thirst and my quest. A reflection so intense that it feels like a trap. A trap, so deep that it makes me reveal the darkness. The darkness is so vivid that I can't hold myself long enough. But what is actually long enough? A day, a month, a year or few years! What is it that makes me so inquisitive about my own silence and reflections of my mind..


Revelations through my silence is sometimes so baffling that it is irresistible. I am a mere performer in the act of my own shadows, my own breath and idiosyncrasies. 'I' is my strength, my conviction against the dis-confirming side of me. 'I' is what struggles every moment to just testify the strength and grandness of my silence. 'I' is what is Me.


What have I got to do with you when I am cognizant enough to question you, ignore you to the extent of non-existence..I can perceive the loudness of your persona and its influence on my SELF. I despise you!
The silence of the wind is very rarely sensed as it is not meant to be silent but when it is, it is loud enough to reveal that 'I' in me..it is beautiful and unexplainable.


My tryst with my silence and in turn the revelations have been unfeigned as well as painful. I still stand committed to it, to satisfy that 'I' which helps me in the darkest of the nights, to face the turmoil created by Your existence. My silent revelations are my soul, and the quest is never ending for what I have indulged myself in the so called 'Desire', the 'YOU'.

Its not DARK yet...

Its not dark yet, and I am already silent. I can feel the numbness and listen to my restless heart beats. Its not dark yet, still I see myself running behind something absurd, something unconventional..may be something like ME...


Its not far enough that I have to travel through time to reach my own thoughts, remind myself of the days I never was alive enough. One woman beneath a gory and gloomy sky isn't enough to make me realize that I am not the same 'Her'. Its not dark yet, that I have to escape my own breathe and long for the peaceful sleep...for the closure of those eyelids like a child who knows just how to smile much more than how to shed tears.


You are not worthy enough to create a mirage of happiness around, an illusion best described as 'Meaningless' yet important. You were not there, when that woman embraced the glory of death, her emotions at point blank, speechless and pale... she laid down under that same painfully dark sky which today calls me towards it...calls me loud enough. But I know, its not dark Yet!


You, are the same, the past, future but No Present at all and I know it. I believe that You were her delusion and my illusion so as to say, nothing more and nothing less. I would rather pacify myself seeing you as a coward, than killing my soul every night.


I would love the idea to Live ... to survive my own darkness within/out you as I see it clear that its not dark yet and I still love the Obscurity in Me...