I for Me

No its not me
Its not you either
Its a conspiracy
of my mind and soul!

I live, I don't live
I see but I am blinded
I cry but I can't hear
neither can you, nor can they.

I bear all inside, the toxin
the particulate rust of memories
the unopened illusion
and the crooked nights.

Tides rise but river is still,
I never thought what I will
dreams are they,
simple but shrill..

they come near, try to kill
Why? is the question
has no answer, I will not
find or try..may it pass

I close, and you take shape
Undefined and unclaimed
Far from reach so the mind speaks
A blessing in disguise!

I will and I have
to my true self if I am one,
will live or survive
for the peace within.

 

Idealism of Null and Void

I thought I would not write anything this time, creates a dependency of expression on a blank sheet. But then whom am I fooling, its my life, my feelings, my blank sheet and my thoughts..why should I be feeling dependent! I am for myself and then can I be of any good to myself or whoever comes across.

For a decent part of my life, I was under the impression that things and people can be ideal, at least to my eyes if I am being ideal again to myself which means whatever idealism I defined for myself and much influenced by parents and society. But on this day I do not feel hesitant confessing that Idealism of null and void is the only predominant truth and there may be suffering but at least its not fake. Its the only thing which makes me as I am and differentiates me from what I was.

I, for instance have had very few things in life to regret about or feel guilty as I had been dwelling in  self-defined cocoon and its protection which to an extent I still do. It doesn't change overnight but eventually it will die, for the good I hope. A recent accusation that I see things ideally and hence become selfish in my own right and can only feed my ego and ambition, left me puzzled if it was true. I feel it is to some extent and it will be until I break the protection and let myself experience all that I can. Hurt, get hurt, stand, run, serve, care and love...its all a part of the schedule and time table of my life. The only belief which is challenged every time I want to stand straight, is an unknown and undefined feeling of companionship at times..a void in terms of dependency and a need sometimes to break the monotony of being lonely. Its not a big problem as I might see it sometimes just because I am being questioned by myself, but its a fact and I certainly have to accept it as things move. 

People say when you leave your 'I' you achieve the much awaited peace, but my intuition says that you can be peaceful with your 'I' always at its place and Self-less when you deal with the ones you care about. It comes as a free gift, I mean the peace when you realize that your I only leads to identifying the other human you are concerned about and its the same I which lets you become self less. Nothing in the world can equate with that negotiation or no negotiation when two individuals, the giver and the taker are together. No matter how hard things might look or be as well, expression will be easy..may be a simple silence. Its peace and everyone of us have our own perception in this matter. This is purely mine. 

So, today if I see someone suffering, see myself suffering or see my parents suffering because of me or not because of me..the only thought that prevails is if I can be of any good to each one of them including myself and for that what I require only is 'Clarity'. A choice as to what will make me happy. Am I ready to ruin my life for something or someone or am I actually learning things with every phase and what is the feeling associated with each one of them. I can leave behind a lot of things but as I see myself is one heck of a female who at most times puts herself in others shoes and feels things. Well for that I needn't bind myself to only few but to all unrelated humans who at some point in time will need me, my presence and I  too might get it back or might not..

A giver, who just wants to breathe easy...let people come and go and take what I have to offer.. if at all they want, or get their share of peace. I will get my share out of it. I no more feel the need of complicating my own perspective. A beginning after every end and an end after every beginning is the ideal process. I am no one to deny it. I live right now with the idealism of null and void.

Somber..for not so long

A very naive question..why?
A difficult answer, difficulty only created by mind, blame it on me for the question as well as for the answer. An assurance not well taken or understood is what I can think of. Things don't change, thoughts change and so the world around or world within. Any change is worth though, on the longer run but who knows how long!


My room might be still dark and it might be the same old somber that I have been running away from but sometimes running away just ceases. It ceases so drastically that the fun of running is gulped by the darkness of the room, the bed, the mirror. The mirror I say, is the culprit of all. It reflects what I want to see, governed by my thoughts and hence totally selfish. The mirror has broken now, shattered..pieces here and there..everywhere. The pain is in picking up all the tiny thoughts. You know why..because the room is dark and there is no source to illuminate it. 


Every now and then something pricks, it hurts but reminds me of the self created illusion, speaks to me loud and says 'stand there..its not over till you find all that you created and saw it breaking'. I respect that voice coming from within. I might respect a lot of things but I would only be in somber till I want to, it has to be my take and I will respect what pinches me from inside. It might be a spasm but its for good. You take out everything till its clear as in some other world, its clear, sky is bright and may be its raining and it will be stormy, still people would enjoy the intoxication of the season. I for once will live in my darkness but look out of the window for the change of season in my world. 


Its not need, not desire but sheer faith and honesty. Desire for nothing when you have faith and faith is no illusion. It will not break, its beyond perfection. It can not be challenged. Its mine and will always be mine, no matter what or who!

Yet to Fall..

The leaf is yet to fall..I had pictured something that it had fallen or I was atleast visualizing the fall in near future. It was almost there, near the ground because it had to reach there, only then could I have relieved myself of the misery. But then I didn't know that it was just flying low, its destiny is driven by purpose. A purpose so strong that it is beyond self or I might be mistaken and it is actually only self. My purpose was as honest when I seeded the plant as it is till now even though I might never grab the flying leaf.

Nothing had changed I realized just after few hours when I had convinced myself that things are different. Senseless it is, or pure insanity or for that matter my first clear conviction that what I felt was right and worth. The leaf looked dry from various angles, it started discoloring, rotting from edges I was so sure that its the end and I would pat my back and say that I witnessed the end and had the courage, but when did I know that it was just my vision which was wilting, a selfish vision that could only see what it wanted to. How am I supposed to feel elated about that when I sit and ponder !


The height of the tree, the direction of the breeze and the flying leaf, all seem to be distant, completely out of reach...out of my bound existence..how can a rooted human like me would admire a flying object or a feeling..or may be I should be the best example of a human who would sink into the pain of realizing the importance of freedom as I have the credit of seeding the plant and let it grow. In any case, there has been no death and hence there has been no fall. It is against a fall and it is yet to fall. I hope it will.. else my belief and respect would just make me sink into this rooted world.


I would water another plant with my tears, with all that I have and still hope the same growth and height but this time it might not be real, I might like to be the illusionist or a victim I don't know..I will figure out ..for the love of the idea..for peace.

Still..

On a Saturday afternoon, if I start my line on Stillness it would be awkward but I find it no less than exciting. Its a wonderful feeling when you could just sit for a while on your desk, keeping aside all those hovering thoughts and plans for work and simply admire certain things, memories and smile hopelessly. Its beautiful and contagious to yourself.


I am 'Still' when so much is happening around me, 'for' me and 'by' me. Its a mere stillness to the chaos, an answer much demanded than desired. A very adamant mind set may be or can call my idiosyncrasy, but nice. I wonder, when one can sit and crib, find mistakes, be unhappy, curse people, regret in its real sense and weep for futile reasons, stillness is a gift, a miracle just round the corner of my mind acting like a guardian. More so, it even helps to smile at undefined and inconsequential things, a negative emotion is just shooed away by this calmness. I can admire attributes of a human in an honest perception even though I might not want it or give- into the situation.


I simply fear my calmness, its been tough to weep but easy to smile. Its a retaliation among memories or reality I don't know but my answer is as simple as it could have been ever in my life. So much of clarity among a blinding haze. Multiple nights of unconquered dreams and unanswered questions lead to peace? I thought it was exhaustion!


I doubt it badly now, it sounds like an illusion, but its happening. I have an innocent hope that its just me and no one else. I hope there is no indifference creeping within Self. Thoughts is what we are and do they make a human and create its existence or its the other way round I am still figuring out!
If yesterday I was amazed to observe someone smile at everything and nothing, insane they are called much abiding to the conventional mindset, I would hint myself towards the same category then. But its fun. Its been and I am sure it will be.


Stillness is most likely another step, evolution, moving up the grade set by me and only Me. I admire those who have reached there and apprehensive about few who are still trying. I hope they make it or I hope they don't, may be they don't fit. It will spoil my peace. But I am an optimist, a universal one. I will smile n Still Smile.