I was sitting next to my large closed glass window, with very light curtains decorating it. The cream coloured curtains were swaying in the wind like a damsel's freshly washed hair. It felt peaceful that day, quite unexpected in all these years. There was a sudden urge to break open the window, an urge to feel the shattering of glass and the tiny little pieces of it layering the floor, ready to prick you anytime. Transition of thoughts, my god ..its painful sometimes. It makes you purposeless and again full of purpose at the next instance. Anyway, I was just smoking my lungs out..it was great fun to see the smoke circles filling the room. May be I wanted the smoke to go out of the window. But not peacefully. I surely wanted to break that glass window. Probably I should have broken it long back.
I am an artist. My problem is I am always in love. I don't know if thats a problem though- but I feel so. I am in love with my brushes, I love my fingers, I love my canvas, the messy oil, the dripping paint, I love my wife and my life. But as always, there is a 'but'. I feel caged sometimes, caged amongst the feelings of closeness, the warmth and the fury of being a romantic, a war of inert souls within. I am also in love with my past. Now that is what creates the 'but'. I have always felt that a present is because of a past. I could never leave it behind. I can cherish it now. But you see, I still smoke! That is constant from my past. Yes, probably my art too.
I dropped a lot of tears those days. Yes, I could not have showcased them in front of random individuals. Everyone has those poky judgemental eyes. I am writing about it today. I too loved someone in the past. It was beautiful and then more beautiful and then most beautiful and then I don't know what was it. It just got etched in my memory
and I flew away, she flew away too. That my friends, was The most beautiful feeling. I thought I lost my integrity, my soul to an individual but mind it. You never lose them. They just blurr out and hey! you again see things clear. My art saved me. I could eat my canvas up any day or night. I could die in front of my paint brushes and not regret. But then life isnt that cruel. I have a competitor now to die for. My life, my wife 'Rose'. She tells me that I am a mad man, a bad man, a cruel man but she still loves me and doesn't leave me for heavens sake! Oh lord can someone tolerate me..now that is something. A feeling which binds me. Once in a while I feel like jumping out of the window and see if I can float free in the air, with birds and trees around. Man, that would be magical.
Well, I still smoke and I am a romantic. But I am in love with life and I have a predominant urge to be bound than break free or break the window. I do want to break the window for the fun of it..you know as a curious child, irritate my wife and get on her nerves. But I don't want to jump out to die or something. I want to live for my canvas of life. It is not yet filled. It is in the process. It has dark patches but wow, that adds some perspective to the painting and lot of amazement to my little brain. A mere tear drop was actually never mere. It was sinking towards gravity. It had a heaviness and it was let out to flow. It was meant to , to create space for more to form. But fresh ones, of joy and peace, for love and only love of life and yeah for the burnt cigarettes. I will quit but time is not right. I have irritate my wife much more than I do now. She should never forget me even after my death. Thats a promise my friends. A definite one.
I dropped a lot of tears those days. Yes, I could not have showcased them in front of random individuals. Everyone has those poky judgemental eyes. I am writing about it today. I too loved someone in the past. It was beautiful and then more beautiful and then most beautiful and then I don't know what was it. It just got etched in my memory
and I flew away, she flew away too. That my friends, was The most beautiful feeling. I thought I lost my integrity, my soul to an individual but mind it. You never lose them. They just blurr out and hey! you again see things clear. My art saved me. I could eat my canvas up any day or night. I could die in front of my paint brushes and not regret. But then life isnt that cruel. I have a competitor now to die for. My life, my wife 'Rose'. She tells me that I am a mad man, a bad man, a cruel man but she still loves me and doesn't leave me for heavens sake! Oh lord can someone tolerate me..now that is something. A feeling which binds me. Once in a while I feel like jumping out of the window and see if I can float free in the air, with birds and trees around. Man, that would be magical.
Well, I still smoke and I am a romantic. But I am in love with life and I have a predominant urge to be bound than break free or break the window. I do want to break the window for the fun of it..you know as a curious child, irritate my wife and get on her nerves. But I don't want to jump out to die or something. I want to live for my canvas of life. It is not yet filled. It is in the process. It has dark patches but wow, that adds some perspective to the painting and lot of amazement to my little brain. A mere tear drop was actually never mere. It was sinking towards gravity. It had a heaviness and it was let out to flow. It was meant to , to create space for more to form. But fresh ones, of joy and peace, for love and only love of life and yeah for the burnt cigarettes. I will quit but time is not right. I have irritate my wife much more than I do now. She should never forget me even after my death. Thats a promise my friends. A definite one.
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